The Saaya Burger
by PurplePandaGeese
Summary: The Saaya Burger, is the most tastey and delicious burger in Japan, they say. But what it really is, is the reason for the increase in obesity. And for the new disease going around...A horror romance comedy with ZOMBIES...And lots of them. T for bashing.
1. Chapter 1

**Goose-chan: Hello, and welcome to our finally published collaboration fic. It took forever because SOME PEOPLE -meaningful glare at Bree- are very lazy.**

**Bree: Meh. I am not affected by you death rays, Mahi Goose-let. **

**Goose-chan: -claws at Bree-**

**Bree: Lol, but yes. Sorry that this took for freaking ever... But WTFEVER. I'm lazy, emo, etc... And very busy. **

**Goose-chan: Yes, I'm sure having no life keeps you very busy. -eye roll-**

**Bree: Oh it does. 'Cause if I had a life I wouldn't update as frequently... and in June.**

**Goose-Chan: o_o; **

**Bree: That's right... Be afraid... Be VERYYY AFRAID!**

**Nagi: These authoresses own nothing, much to their emo-ness... That makes no sense! -rips up script-**

**Bree: Nuuu~! My hard work~!! TT_TT**

**Goose-Chan: Enjoy the chapter... Cause I'm a potato~ :D**

Amu ran around the busy mall, her short, bubble gum pink hair bouncing behind her. She was dressed in yet another punk outfit of hers... and she was also dragging Rima around, in all of her petite, blonde, Nagihiko-loving (whether she likes it or not) glory.

"Amuuu~" Rima whined, as if mourning for a lost plastic-cup-from-Mc-Burger-King-ripped-to-shreds-by-a-random-PMSing-stranger.

"What?" Amu responded, aching to get her hands on clothes from the new store Cold Topic, a branch of Hot Topic more suitable for all of Shugo Chara's shojo-ness.

"I'm tired. Let's go get some fattening food from some American-like fast food restaurant," Rima ordered, as if Amu was another one of her many servants, only not a boy (because that would be creepy and totally mess up the love hexagon).

"Okay fine... but in return, I command you to let me dress you in clothes of my choice."

"As long as you don't take embarrassing pictures of me and later pass it around to boys whom you think are my subjects of affection," Rima sighed... only to mentally face-palm because she just gave Amu a good way of blackmailing.

"Mwahaha! Sure I won't!" Amu said in a cheery and creepy way, not unlike a seahorse planning world domination.

Finally, after, let's say, five minutes, they got to the food court. The air was full of the greasy hamburger-y spell and the court was crowded by many teenagers-with-no-lives-such-as-the-authoresses-of-this-story.

"Clown Drop, this is Amulet Amu, do you read me, over?" Amu whispered, into her cupped hands as if speaking into a walkie-talkie.

"Amulet Amu?" Rima questioned, arching an eyebrow.

"Clown Drop, this is Amulet Amu, STFU. You have only one character change, and I have five-ish, over."

"Why are we talking like this?"

"Clown Drop, Amulet Amu speaking, I am afraid I cannot understand you if you don't say 'over', over."

"THIS IS STUPID!" hissed Rima, glaring at her best friend.

"I can't understand you, over."

"This is stupid. OVER," Rima managed to say between gritted teeth.

"Oh, well then let's stop talking like this. Silly Rima, you could've said something sooner," Amu laughed lightly, looking around to survey the many restaurants in the mall.

"TRY OUR NEW SAAYA BURGER!!" screeched a sudden, familiar and annoying voice. Sure enough, there was Saaya Yamabuki, screaming into a microphone-thing. "IT'S THE BESTEST THING IN THE WORLD, EVER! BECAUSE I MADED IT! OH-HO-HO-HO~!" she began laughing in a gloating-I-made-a-burger-and-you-didn't-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh~ way.

"What does it have?" a curious bystander asked the wanna be goddess.

"Oh, well I'm glad you asked, sir!" Saaya shrieked, ignoring the angry calls of the woman saying she was a ma'am not a sir. "We have the buns stored away at a special temperature so that they are warm, frozen, goo-ey and moldy! The meat has been soaked in garlic juice and molded together with onions. The toppings include: garlic, onions, rotten tomatoes, blue-year-old lettuce, maggot sprinkles we found lying on the floor, decayed flesh, mouse droppings, and lastly, S-Vyrush sauce." Then, out of nowhere she pulled out a Saaya burger and shoved it in the mouth of an innocent bystander.

A dazed look came across the person's face and that gender-less person said in a monotone voice, "Omn. Nom. Nom. This is the best burger I hases ever tasteded."

And of course, those ignorantly foolish fools took the robot-person's word for it and crowded McBurger Queer, home of the Saaya Burger. Amu and Rima watched as one by one, the idiots known as Saaya's new customers crowded around the laughing girl, paid their money, and tasted Saaya's revolting creation.

"Wow." Amu muttered, with a O_o; face.

Rima had an identical look on her face... only more closely resembling when she saw Tadase with a skirt... -shudder-.

Saaya then spotted Rima and Amu standing there with the O_o; faces and smirked. "So~ Amu Hinamori. Do you not want to eat my yummy burger?"

"Err... No." Amu answered, looking a bit green.

"How did you manage to sell it, anyways?" Rima asked, truly curious at who'd produce that horrible thing.

"Well, let's say that my plot involved a microphone, chains, and chair, a copy of Brainwashing For Baka-Chans, and the owner of McBurger Queer." Saaya responded mysteriously before cackling evilly. She then realized something really quickly -or at the pace of a Giant Turtle for Saaya- and ran inside of the restaurant and locked the doors.

Rima and Amu looked at each other, shrugged, and danced off to McBuild-a-Burger to omn nom nom on burgers of their own creations... Not knowing what future would soon fall upon them. (And us authoresses only know this cause we're writing it.)

**Bree: Muahaha. Cliffy~**

**Goose-chan: Hmm, I have the keyboard now... maybe I'll have Bree do something totally random and stupid to make up for her being a lazy fruit nugget...and as revenge for embarrassing me before -glare-**

**Bree: I AM A POTATO! (like Nagi's head, apparently)**

**Goose-chan: Good girl. Bree owns nothing. I used to own her, but I sold her last week for five dollars. **

**Bree: Review or Goose will get her ninja envelopes!**

**Goose-Chan: That's a good slave -mwhahaha-**

**Bree: -whimper- MUST. RESIST... CHOCOLATELY GOODNESS... OF NAGI!!**

**Goose-Chan: I worry about you sometimes.**

**Bree: Reviews are welcome, flames are not...**

**Goose-Chan: You already said that! **

**Bree: Well, I revised and made it nicer~ :P (sorry for the short chapter, the next ones will be longerrr!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Bree: We have returned~~ And we'd like to thank all three of our reviewers :D**

**Goose: The first two don't count.**

**Bree: ...We'd like to thank all one of our reviewers!**

**Goose: Yay!**

**Bree: We own nothin'! Now enjoy it in all of its potato-y awesomeness.**

_**Guardian Meeting**_

"As we all know, the Saaya Burger has become the next big hit in the fast food industry," Tadase said, sitting down at his spot at the Guardian's table in the Royal Garden. "And we all know that they have... unusual... effects on those who eat them."

Rima snickered. "You sound like some news reporter, Tadase."

Tadase frowned. "That's because Tsukasa-san is-"

"The greatest relative ever and a wondiferous news reporter/psychic/ballerina!" Tsukasa exclaimed as he leaped up from his hiding spot behind a tree. "Now, my little darlings, I have some news for you!" The majority of the people present groaned.

"What is it now?" Amu drawled in her 'Cool'n'Spicy' way.

"Your new job..."

"Yes?"

"Is..."

"Yes?"

"You have to..."

"Just spit it out!" Rima screeched, whacking Tsukasa on the back of the head with a lamp (where she got a lamp, we may never know...)

"You need to find the reason the Saaya Burgers cause so many strange side effects and out a stop to it," Tsukasa said gaily (or is it gayly?).

The Guardians stared.

"So you're telling us," Nagihiko said slowly, "that we have to find out how hamburgers are threatening?"

Tsukasa nodded and his brown-blond hair flapped in his face and knocked a ladybug out of the air. "Yeppers. That's exactly what you have to do. Now, any questions, my little pyromaniac hummingbirds?"

Yaya blinked several times before crying out, "How is Yaya a hummingbird? Yaya doesn't even have wings!"

Tsukasa looked at her blankly, but just as he was about to speak, Tadase interrupted.

"Will there be any homicidal Panda-Geese? I've always wanted one..."

Tsukasa frowned. "Sorry, Flubber Nugget, but it's a known fact that homicidal Panda-Geese only like shmeckshay purple-haired cross-dressers."

"...shmeckshay?"

"Yes, shmeckshay. We're getting off topic here, boy and girls. Work on that super-secret mission as soon as you can." And with a puff of smoke, Tsukasa was gone... because he had tripped, fallen down the stairs, and landed in the fountain. Clambering to his feet, he waved good-bye, turned around (narrowly avoiding falling in the fountain again), and skipped away.

There was silence for several moments.

"That was odd."

Everyone looked up to see Ikuto Tsukiyomi hop down from one of the open glass panes in the Royal Garden's roof. He landed on his feet, of course, and the navy blue cat ears and tail he had vanished.

"So what is a Saaya Burger, exactly?" he asked, take a bite out of Amu's half-eaten brownie. (She blushed furiously and claimed that she didn't want it back, but they all know she did)... Indirect kiss for all of you dense little puppies out there)

"It's a hamburger," Tadase sighed, "that turned people into zombies."

Ikuto blinked. "A hamburger?" he asked, surprised. "So it's the Americans fault..." **(A/N: Hey!)**

"At least they aren't perverted cat thieves."

Ikuto smirked at Tadase. "No. I haven't stolen it from Amu _yet."_

As Tadase started screaming several unmentionable words, Amu blinked. "What?"

Amu is very dense.

_**After the Guardian meeting...**_

Amu walked home slowly, thinking about... various things. Not something silly like the fact that she blushed insanely around Ikuto, or that her heart beat a thousand miles an hour whenever he showed up. No, nothing that ridiculous.

"Hey, Hinamori!" a familiar, cheery voice called out not very far behind her. She turned around and saw Kukai waving at her, with his signature grin and, surprisingly, Utau standing beside him.

"Where you two on another ramen date?"

Utau frowned. "No. I can't believe it, though. _One time_, we go out to eat some ramen, and that sets of all of the fangirls. Ramen is now our signature thing, like Rimahiko and the parfait date. It's insane..."

As Utau continued to rant, Kukai turned to Amu. "So what's the big deal on this whole 'Saaya Burger' thing?"

Amu blinked. "How did you know about that?"

Kukai shrugged. "You told Mashiro who told Fujisaki who told Tadase who told Ikuto who told Utau who told Sanjo who told her brother who reminded Utau to tell me. Word spreads pretty fast around here, huh?"

"That doesn't sound very fast!" Amu said, confused at that long explanation.

"Shuddup... It was at the speed of light, okay?" Kukai pouted, while a chibi Utau in the background continued to rant and rave about the difference between ramen, parfait dates, and purple panda-geese that eat souls of children in their sleep.

"So, anyways... What. Do YOU. Plan to do. About this... Burger deal?" Kukai said slowly for the dense pinkette in front of him.

"Iono," Amu shrugged. "Go all Negative Heart Lock On, on its butt?"

Kukai stared at her for a second, then face palmed. "Honestly... Pinkettes are stupider than blondes." he muttered. **(A/N: No offense to anyone, besides, Kukai doesn't realize his girlfriend is a blonde... He's color blind... To yellow thing...)**

Speaking of blonde girlfriends, Kukai's comment brought Utau back from her oblivious-to-everything-else-around-her-rant, and she was very angry. As in angrier than Nagi's eyelash when it's compared to gay little boys who insist on singing about video games with tone-deaf, nasally voices and poorly played instruments.

The confirmed-dense pinkette known as Amu watched as Utau chased Kukai around in circles, screaming varying words, such as "KILL!" and multiple profanities that would surely cause this fic to be rated M. And the authoress that is writing this while the other is being attacked by vicious envelopes is too lazy to think of them.

**Goose: Yes. I write this as I threaten Bree to update To Be Or Not To Be.**

**Bree: Y'know, killing me with envelopes is only gonna make me update slower ._.**

**Goose: SHUDDUP AND WRITE!**

**Bree: Why don't you go yell at those other authors that haven't updated since 2004 ;_;**

**Goose: Because then you won't update, deary. NOW WRITE.**

**Bree: Yes, Gooseh u_u**

**Goose: Review, please~**

**Bree: Woot! Longer than chapter one :D**

**-Bree has now taken over the keyboard... NO! GOOSE! YOU HAVE MADE ME INTO A MINDLESS MIND SLAVEEE~ D; Lmfao... Hope you enjoyed this! Reviews WOULD be nice...-**


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